Grief is the pain experienced after a loss, most often, though not only associated with the death of a loved one. Grieving loss is a normal and healthy process.
It is often said that there are 5 key stages to grieving:
denial – anger – depression – bargaining – acceptance
There is no prescribed order in which these stages are experienced. Some people might not go through all the stages and some might be revisited over time. It is important to understand that:
- everyone grieves differently
- there is no correct way and no fixed timetable for grieving
While grieving is normal, when feelings of grief do not diminish, they become more intense over time, or when a grieving person has difficulty functioning in their daily life, then finding support through counselling can be very helpful.
WHAT ARE THE MAIN CAUSES OF GRIEF?
While grief is most often associated with the death of a loved one, any significant loss can cause feelings of grief, including:
- the loss of a relationship through death, divorce, separation, rejection, abandonment or relocation
- rape, sexual abuse or child abuse
- losing a job, income, security, lifestyle or status
- a burglary or loss of treasured objects
- diagnosis of a serious/terminal illness or major surgery
- loss of physical ability with age, after an illness or accident
- ageing/maturing
It is the meaning that we attach to whatever is lost that results in the feelings of grief.
HOW CAN GRIEF BE ADDRESSED IN COUNSELLING?
Counselling can help you if you are grieving by providing:
- reassurance and emotional support
- a safe place to express your emotions and concerns
- support as you work through the process of grieving
- help with healthy coping strategies (relaxation techniques, engaging in positive activities, challenging negative thoughts and more)
WHAT ARE THE COMMON EXPERIENCES OF GRIEVING?
Many people describe grief as coming in waves. These waves of feelings change over time and can include any of the following emotions and experiences:
- sadness, tears, crying
- shock, disbelief, numbness [and possibly denial]
- anxiety, guilt or remorse
- yearning, pangs of grief
- dwelling on memories, rumination
- confusion, absent-mindedness, difficulty concentrating
- exhaustion (mental or physical)
- anger at yourself, others, the deceased person, or you may question your faith if you are religious
- feeling like you are just ‘going through the motions’
- a sense of helplessness or pointlessness
- vivid dreams, sometimes of the deceased person
- disturbed sleep and / or eating
- social difficulties; withdrawal or feeling isolated
- physical symptoms, sometimes mimicking those of the loved one before they died
WHEN TO SEEK HELP FROM YOUR DOCTOR?
Please see your doctor if you are experiencing grief and:
- you are experiencing unexplained physical symptoms
- there is no improvement in how you feel or if your symptoms worsen more than 6 months after your loss
- you experience panic attacks for the first time
- you would like information on how medication might help you, or you want to consider changing or stopping medication for any mental health issue
IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING RECURRING THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE
Please call the Samaritans of Singapore for support:
References
Harris, D., & Winokuer, H. R. (2019). Working with bereaved individuals (Chapter 6). Principles and practice of grief counselling. (Third Edition.) New York: Springer.
Wilson, J., F. (2004) Supporting people through loss and grief: an introduction for counsellors and other caring practitioners. Philadelphia: Jessica Kingsley Publishing.
