When we initially engage people in various relationships, we tend to be respectful and flexible because we are generally able to stay curious and open to how this relating might unfold. This is a wonderful period. We can converse about almost anything. We are light-hearted and casual and even humorous. If only we could stay this way.
The paradox is that when we do get closer to the selected few we might connect better with, we get nervous about the intimacy. We wonder if they will still like us if they see who we are, as we reveal more of ourselves. We worry over their impression of us. We speculate; are they are really telling us how they feel about us? We begin to try to be careful with our words and actions just in case they get turned off. Likewise, the person we relate with is likely to do the same. The net result is a kind of emotional distancing though on the exterior we appear to be as close and friendly.
How do we overcome such a strong tendency to withdraw into a more defensive position? Self-acceptance helps a lot. The inner move to embrace oneself without harsh judgment and dismissal puts us at ease with ourselves. This isn’t about the current trend to become narcissistic. It isn’t about putting up our best impression to dazzle others. It is about a genuine inner move to rest in our being and aliveness.
We are valuable because we are alive. We have an expression due to our embodiment in this form and context of our unique life. The word perfection has no meaning in this self-acceptance. We are who we are. Then with this ease we reach out to relate.
When we relate from a position of self-acceptance there will not be the confusion caused by our psychological projections onto others; that is, when we see others as though they are ourselves and begin to react to them. For instance, some might always helplessly see others’ helplessness, and not stop themselves from offering relentless support and services. This can be overwhelming and exhausting. Others may often see malice and manipulation in others without realizing that these could be a result of their own projection.
Self-acceptance helps us to engage with others as the others. We know in our experiences that we are deeply interconnected and interdependent with the closer people in our life. Our sense of individuality must not delude us into a state of isolation, competitiveness and defensiveness. Real joy comes from relational connection.
The journey of therapy is a beautiful expression of this when one can walk with an authentic companion who helps us realize the way we relate. Self-understanding will bring about self-acceptance that will pave the way for the most nourishing life of love.
