Social Media and Your Adolescents

September 26, 2022

Mark McCallum

It is an understatement to say that parents are at their wits’ end when dealing with adolescents and social media. For many parents feel like we are fighting a losing battle with our teens and their cell phones.

Studies show that 93-97% of 13-17-year-olds are on social media for at least 3 hours per day and that many teens are online almost constantly¹. (Yes, that’s a lot!)

Social media has become an important developmental context since its widespread adoption in the early 2000s. It may even be argued that it is currently THE most important context to consider for its impact on adolescent development. This is a frightening prospect for many parents who are at a loss with how to parent in a context where societal norms are rapidly shifting… “Mom, you don’t understand how it is today!” is commonly heard in every adolescent household. And it’s true.

Like it or not, sometime in the last ten years, adolescents have merged their online (i.e., social media) and offline (i.e., real) worlds in a co-creationary experience. No, this is not as immersive as the coming Zuckerburg Meta-verse, but there is a convergence of reality with social media forming adolescents’ daily life experiences. And as much as we may want to, no, we parents don’t know what it is like. We can’t use our adolescent experience as a guide to understanding our teens; too much has changed.

What is the impact of social media use on adolescents?

There are some positives to adolescent use of social media. Research highlights that 8 out of 10 teens report being more connected and in touch with their friends’ feelings through social media. Other teens report that social media helps them feel supported through tough times, express their creative sides, and stay up to date.²

However, all that glitters is not gold.

Teens also report intense negative feelings regarding social media use – from continual distractions, to disrupted sleep patterns. Teens also report a sense of overwhelm from unnecessary drama, bullying, distorted views of others lives, peer pressure, feeling pressure to post content that makes them look good to their friends or get more likes. Teens experience FOMO, the Fear of Missing Out and find themselves in the trap of continually checking their social media. About 26% of teens report feeling worse about their lives due to being on social media.³

It doesn’t help that social media platforms are deliberately designed to keep users glued to the screen and engaged online. The design principle is positively rewarding (sending a message and waiting for instant replies gives us a nice shot of dopamine). Like video games and even network news channels like CNN, developers’ psychological impact of features and layout built into social media aims to increase engagement and time online.

Extensive research highlights the risks associated with too much social media use. Dangers of too much social media include teenagers demonstrating a decline in academic performance, impaired mental health and wellbeing, and social isolation.

For some teens, relating to their (real) world without social media has become completely intolerable. They experience negative emotions in the absence of social media, including loneliness, depressive symptoms and higher rates of anxiety, especially among girls. In one study, about 17% of teens indicated they felt better when social media was not around⁴.

Why is all of this important?

Adolescence is a crucial time in our children’s lives; it is the bridge from childhood to adulthood. Physical changes (i.e., biological and sexual) come hand in hand with psychosocial changes (i.e., psychological and social). The most accurate way to view puberty and adolescence is from a biopsychosocial perspective.

Biological (puberty) and cognitive developments are biologically determined, whereas psychological and social factors are dependent on the adolescents’ environment.

This is where it gets complicated – recall that, in the past ten years, an adolescent’s environment shifted from the “real” world to the “online” world. Early adolescents experience significant biological changes in their body while simultaneously living in a virtual environment, which is continually changing and an uncertain quagmire of online, fast-paced interactions.

As a child enters adolescence, it is parents who are responsible for their health and wellbeing.

Yet, when they exit adolescence, the child is responsible for their own life. Like it or not, this puts both the responsibility and pressure on parents to adequately provide the skills and knowledge for their children to flourish and be successful later in life. This must include setting reasonable limits on social media use. This is particularly important in a post-pandemic world where “screen time” family rules disappeared to cope with the realities of pandemic living. With the pandemic ending, it is time to reset and relook at the issue of social media use in homes.

So What Can Parents Do?

It’s an obvious statement, but your relationship with your children will always be the starting point and foundation. Adolescents today want to be heard, give their opinion and feedback, and input on decisions. This is challenging for parents as it wasn’t how we were raised. Start the conversation with your kids. Discuss with them “what it mean to be a family”, and what they know about the influences of social media. Top parenting tip – your relationship is more important than any quick win.

Parents should be the role model for their children. Your children will learn what to do with their eyes, not just their ears, so be congruent and consistent. Top parenting tip – have a designated area in a common room, such as the kitchen or living room, where the whole family will charge their phones, tablets, and other devices overnight.

Find your sense of humor. There is no sense in adopting a “going to war” posture with your adolescents and trying to implement drastic and sudden changes. Lasting change occurs through a buildup of small but consistent steps. Instead, focus on where you are headed and the wins you have made. Don’t get derailed by a few backsteps here and there. You’ve got this! Top parenting tip – speak with your spouse about this and make sure you are both aligned in thinking, philosophy, and approach.

Although your child’s hard-working teachers will likely have some lessons on social media and their dangers lingering online, consider this as parenting support. It will still fall to parents to instill rules and lessons in the family.

When it’s time to implement changes to the social media norms in your household, take the blame for your child. Publicly let it be known to all of their friends that you are responsible for the changes. This will help take the pressure off your child in the eyes of their peers. Top parenting tip – connect with other parents, especially those in your adolescent’s peer group. Make decisions and set limits as a group if you can. There is strength in numbers. You are not in this alone; sometimes, a collective approach is a great strategy. Our counselling clinic facilitates parenting groups to help bring like-minded parents together and discuss issues related to their adolescents if you are interested.

Offer alternatives to time on screen. Simply expecting your teens to stay off social media while not providing other things for them to do is an uphill struggle. Top tip – plan activities to do as a family, not just camps or other activities that will keep your teen busy but do not help build a relationship.

Consider speaking with a counsellor with experience working with teens to help talk through your particular issues. An experienced professional can provide enormous value and clarity and guide your thinking.

Last, be kind to yourself. Recognize that it will take a lot of effort, patience, and flexibility to facilitate changes in the family. This is a struggle worth having for your children and your family. It doesn’t have to be an all-out war, and you probably aren’t able to implement every idea you have regarding limits on social media use. Nobody said this would be easy, but it will be worth it.

One last thought on societal changes

History has always been filled with societal shifts that have been considered detrimental for teenagers and shifting societal norms. The world didn’t end for the baby boomer generation with Elvis Presley’s appearance on The Milton Berle Show on June 5, 1956. When Elvis shook his hips singing Hound Dog, concern over teenagers’ hearts, minds, and morals became real concerns. Elvis was the start of an unstoppable societal shift with the introduction of sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll, and yet, while the world didn’t end with his gyrating pelvis, it did change forever. The world won’t end with the ascension of social media, but it has forever changed, and parents, we will figure it out, just like we always do.

The fact that there are parents like you out there worried about their children, reading articles like this one, and searching for answers is good news for our children. Anyone reading this article to the end must love their children and want what’s best for them. This itself makes you a great parent (insert hug here).

Blog Author: Mark McCallum, Counsellor at Connect Counselling

Do you or Someone You Know Need Extra Support?

We offer parents emotional and parenting guidance and support in managing complicated family situations involving teens.

We also provide teenagers with direct counselling and help with challenges, including mental health and behavioral issues, school-related issues, navigating/improving relationships, mindfulness and resilience skills, and developing life balance.

From time to time, our clinic facilitates informal parenting groups to encourage parents to openly speak with other parents and problem solve. If you would like to be put on the waitlist for our next group, please email contact@connectcounselling.clinic.

Notes