THINK – Teaching Kids To Communicate Kindly Online (and Offline)

October 8, 2022

Mark McCallum

THINK: a 5 Question Approach That Is Easy To Teach And Life-Changing To Use

Social media is a confusing paradox as the source of both happiness and chaos for our adolescents. Parents who have either proactively or out of necessity conducted a deep dive into their teens’ secret social media world know what I am talking about.

While teens indicate that social media makes them feel connected to their friends, research also suggests that 45% of our teens have felt overwhelmed because of the drama, and 26% have felt worse about their own lives.¹ Online life can sometimes feel like the wild-wild west.

62% of adults surveyed in one research study felt online harassment was a major problem.²

Even adults have a hard time regulating online behaviours when our inner keyboard warrior emerges from time to time. Social media is sometimes a wild place. The online disinhibition effect³ kicks in, and away we go… our fabricated persona/avatar that exists only online is too much freedom for many of us to handle, and our inner troll takes over.

This behaviour isn’t necessarily new – how many of us have penned a complaint email full of vitriol and venom… hiding behind the pen is easier than engaging a fellow human being face to face. So if we find this challenging, imagine how our hormonally charged teens and all of their friends feel. Are they fully equipped with the skills of presuming positive intentions, seeking to understand, empathetic listening and kindness?

Here’s one real-world and practical top parenting tip to implement. I suggest starting the technique outlined below with yourself, then rolling it out to the family.

Before you post anything, use the THINK model and answer the following questions.

Is what I am about to say:

True – is what I am about to post confirmed, true, or potentially gossip? How have I verified it’s true?

Helpful – will someone benefit from my post? Or could someone be harmed somehow?

Inspiring / Important / Informational – what value would others receive from my comment? Is it of value or just an unsolicited opinion that doesn’t add to the discussion?

Necessary – is posting/replying even necessary? Has something similar already been said? Is my voice needed? Could silence be golden?

Kind – is the content, wording, and tone of my email written in a kind and empathetic manner?

Don’t just believe me and change everything all at once. Healthy skepticism is always prudent. Try this out in small steps.

Next time you are about to write something in a heated engagement, write what you would usually write, but before you hit send, run it through the THINK filter.

Does reviewing the post using THINK change your thoughts on your words or approach, in any small way? Is there possibly a better way to respond? Then, consider revising your communication and sending the revised version instead.

Ask yourself “in what way did how I communicate change the outcome of the interaction”?

If you still feel like sending it without any changes, go for it. Then, review it against the THINK filter a day later and see how you feel. Maybe you’ll consider changing things next time? Maybe not, just reflect on how your thoughts may have changed.

If you see positive changes, take steps and utilize the THINK framework even more in your life.

Once you see the positive effects of this simple strategy on yourself, you can introduce it to your teens. Introduce it slowly and talk about your examples.

Apply the THINK filter to every online interaction (and hey, offline, too!).

This post has been written by Mark McCallum, a counsellor at Connect Counselling. As a parent of two teenagers, and having spent decades working with parents and adolescents, Mark is uniquely qualified to help you or your teens through life’s toughest challenges. If you, your family, or an adolescent that you know needs extra support, feel free to reach out for an initial conversation to see how Mark could assist.

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