You might have heard this, but it still comes across as new information for many couples… Dr John Gottman’s research has proven that 69% of problems within a relationship are unsolvable (Gottman & Silver, 2015). This means every couple has conflicts and the important question is how can we resolve our differences in order to build a healthy relationship?
Conflicts can occur from anything, including things that may seem insignificant; who should do what (who should do the dishes, or who should stay home when the kids are sick?), how things should be done (how should the table be set?), or a difference in personality or communication style (being more assertive or using the soft approach with the kids).
Outside stressors may also play an important role in the development of conflict. For example, due to the Covid-19 pandemic, couples are spending more time with each other as they stay home or work from home. Relational thresholds are inevitably stretched as new routines are created with less personal space and ill-defined boundaries (Ang & Co, 2021), and this can in turn lead to more conflict than a couple may have experienced previously.
Yet, if couples are aware of their own anxiety and discomfort while also recognising their partner’s emotions and stressors, conflicts can be reduced or constructively managed.
Conflict becomes a problem when couples respond in ineffective ways such as:
- Avoiding the conflict.
“Perhaps if I don’t talk about it, he’ll forget about it.”
- Changing the subject.
“Yes, I lost my ring, but did you know Tom didn’t do well for his Math paper?”
- Reacting emotionally – become aggressive, abusive, or hysterical.
“Stop talking. I’m tired of what comes out of your mouth. Leave me alone!”
- Blaming someone else
“If you didn’t hurry me, I would probably pay attention to what I was doing and not misplace my ring.”
- Making excuses.
“It isn’t my fault. The ring does not fit well in the first place.”
- Letting someone else deal with it.
“Tom, can you ask Dad to take the trash out?”
Children learn how to manage conflicts by watching and observing. No one came into this world knowing how to deal with differences in viewpoints or arguments. Whether conflict is out in the open or hidden, the way of dealing with conflict is generally passed on from one generation to the next; from unwritten rules of culture, learned behaviours, and gender differences.
Here are some skills you can use to navigate through conflicts effectively (Feuerman, 2017):
- Take a time-out.
Take a break to cool down, and agree on how long this should be. Upon returning to talk, take turns to talk and listen with no interruptions.
- Use I-statements instead of you-statements.
Starting a message with “you” conveys a feeling of finger-pointing and is possibly going to make the listener feel more defensive.
- Watch your body language and verbal language.
Instead of rolling your eyes, crossing your arms in front of your body, tapping your foot, de-escalate conflict by nodding your head, making eye contact and using gentle words such as “I hear you.”
- Soften your tone of voice.
A softer, friendlier tone helps reduce the hostility of your message.
- Acknowledge the other person’s viewpoint.
Saying “I hear what you are saying” or “I can understand why you did that” does not mean you are agreeing with their actions of viewpoint, but does show your empathy for your partner.
Dr John Gottman has also introduced the Sound Relationship House, with the weight-bearing walls of trust and commitment, together with levels that each couple builds upon to create a robust bond (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Couples and children can thrive if the house is standing strong.
Counselling can help you identify areas in your relationship that need attention as a couple, and help you learn how to shore up the structure of your relationship house.
Just as we might go to the gym to build physical muscles, through therapy couples can learn how to exercise their emotional muscles and build the tools they need to maintain a happy healthy relationship.
It is a practice of growth as a couple continues to strengthen their relationship.
Going for couples therapy is not about problem-solving or fixing things (Holt, 2021). It is about knowing each other’s inner world, sharing your love and appreciation for each other, expressing yourself and your needs, solidifying your union, and creating shared dreams together (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
References
Ang, H. M., & Co, C. (2021). More couples seek counselling as circuit breaker, working from home put strain on marriages. CNA. https://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/singapore/more-couples-seek-marriage-counselling-covid-19-circuit-breaker-13181398
Feuerman, M. (2017). Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships: The Blueprints for Success. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-vs-resolving-conflict-relationships-blueprints-success/
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Random House/Crown/Harmony.
Holt, B. (2021). Counseling Is Not Only for Couples in Crisis. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/13/style/couples-therapy
