Are you able to treat yourself the way you would treat a friend when you are having a difficult time?

It is true that we can often be our own worst critic, and sometimes undermining our self-confidence so that we experience a fear of failure.

Self-compassion is a practice in which we learn to be a good friend to ourselves when we need it most (Neff & Germer, 2018, p. 9). Self compassion is made up of several key ingredients (Neff, 2003, p. 223):

• “Being kind and understanding toward oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical.”

• “Perceiving one’s experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as isolating.”

• “Holding painful thoughts and feelings in mindful awareness rather than over-identifying with them.”

Did you know that pain does not define who you are even though it is a part of your experience?

Research shows that self-compassionate people are more likely to participate in perspective taking and to not focus on their own anguish. They are also less likely to ruminate on how bad things are.  Self-compassion is a steadfast source of inner strength that grants courage and boosts resilience when we are faced with challenges. We can give more to others in relationships if we give compassion to ourselves. In turn, self compassion bring us toward long-term health and well-being, not short-term pleasure. Self-compassion also provides the safety needed to admit mistakes instead of blaming others for them. It gives us the motivation to reach our goals as we care about ourselves and want to reach our full potential (Neff & Germer, 2018, pp. 20-21).

The “compassionate self” is made up of four features (Gilbert, 2010):

1. Wisdom
2. Strength and courage
3. Kindness and warmth
4. Motivation to respond to suffering with non-judgement.

These characteristics can be cultivated through practice and serve as a road map for life. This map may be especially helpful when you are struggling with shame and self-criticism.

Over a thousand research studies have demonstrated that people who are more self-compassionate experience greater well-being: less depression and more happiness, less anxiety and greater life satisfaction, less stress and more self-confidence, less shame and improved physical health (Neff & Germer, 2018, p. 25).

Self-care during difficulty is self-compassion. It is important to remember that you already know how to be self-compassionate, or you would not have lived this long.

Here are some questions to check in with yourself regarding self compassion. As you go through them do think of some new ways to practice self compassion that appeal to you (Neff & Germer, 2018, pp. 61-63):

• How do you care for yourself physically (e.g., exercise, massage, warm bath, cup of tea)?

• Can you think of new ways to release the tension and stress that build up in your body?

• How do you care for your mind, especially when you’re under stress (e.g., meditate, watch a funny movie, read an inspiring book)?

• Is there a new strategy you would like to try to let your thoughts come and go more easily and reduce mental agitation?

• How do you care for yourself emotionally (pet the dog, journal, cook)?

• Is there something new you would like to try?

• How or when do you relate to others in ways that bring you genuine happiness (e.g., meet with friends, send a birthday card, play a game)?

• Is there any way that you would like to encircle these connections?

• What do you do to care for yourself spiritually (pray, walk in the woods, help others)?

• Is there anything else you would like to remember to do to help nurture your spiritual side?

It is not easy for us to hear the critical voice inside and motivate ourselves with a new voice. Yet this is necessary, as the inner critic at many times does not appear to have our best interests in mind.

If you find it challenging to find your compassionate voice, perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself is to reach out to a counsellor who can help you meet the difficult emotions that arise.

References

Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion Focused Therapy: Distinctive Features. New York: Routledge.

Neff, K. (2003). The Development and Validation of a Scale to Measure Self-Compassion. Self and Identity, 2:3, 223-250.

Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive. New York: The Guilford Press.